Monday, February 29, 2016

LOST

Its been 2 years ++ since i stopped writing. Realizing that my piece back then was very 'understandable' and 'matured'. I know you can read between the lines for the previous sentences.Hahaha. I did left some of them for you to read, but i didn't encourage you to do so as i know how the term 'judge' can take role.

What are the things that made me to rewrite again after a while, not more than just 'something' that i would like to share. Something that happened in these 2 years that apparently changes everything. It may not much in details, but i hope you can take glance of yours after reading this.

Everything started, as i complete my matriculation year, so i got plenty of freedom month to gain my weight,sister fighting,business of kedai jajan (forced to be the cashier), identity lost of what things that I should pursue for degree, and even thought of repeating my matriculation phase. I've become so indecisive and lost on that particular time. I lost my confidence, shortly I lost myself.

Firstly that how I use those word 'lost' as what you read on the title of this post.

Hence, its actually the beginning for the next lost. The more complex lost. Lost of 'her'. 'Her' of the living things.

Many of year I've known her as the seasonal person. I used to meet her only on special occasion like Eid celebration, family gathering like weddings (sometimes), and those time when she fell sick.
When i was just in primary, I realized that I met her more frequent. That was time she's been diagnosed with early stage of breast cancer. I remember vividly those time I enjoyed the swimming pool at Mentakab Resort and on evening I used to visit her at Hospital Mentakab. That moment repeated for twice until she managed to undergo operations and that how she lost one of those to eliminate all the cancer cells. I was just 8 years old and knew nothing on that time. What did I know she was sick and I met her more often due to that condition.

Everything turn back to normal as she recovered from that cancer but with doctor appointment. Then I met her once in a moon. She tends to stay in Raub, Pahang at the home of her late husband. I've been questioned this issue to my mum why she would like to stay away from us. Mum dis discuss this matter with her siblings, but everyone knew, no one can change her decision after all. After many year, of developed thinking, I made an opinion, that house might brought her into the sentimental value of her late husband. This version of scene would probably remind you of UP Disney Movie but with the version of no balloons and chubby scout boy. Hoho.

Then, there's a time that she had to stay with us. If I'm not mistaken its on year 2008. I've been informed that once again she had been tested for life reality,the heart breaking news, she's been diagnosed with uterus cancer. After all, I heard the conversation between my mum and entire family, the whole uterus are affected and nothing can be done instead of operation to take out those thing.

I saw her face, how she survived, and the part where she got the strength to stand up and continue her life phase. Like usual.

I admit that I am not close to her, maybe for the factor that I didn't spend so much time with her. As I knew, by the time she was healthy, she will leave us and manage to stay only at one destination, Raub. Then that's why I did't talk and notice too much of her.

Until then when I was form 3, she got to take Insulin Injection as her pancreas no more well-functioned. I remember on how I managed to urge her not to go back to Raub as now she need more attention and care from us. Our maid become the witness of  how angry am I on that time as she didn't listen to me. I gave up. And I know her heart broke a little. All I want is her to stay with us. We've been thinking on how she will live there when no one  can take care of her. More likely, the dose of insulin must be correct and other medication must be taken properly. She proved to us that she can survive by doing all the things by her own when she stay with us temporarily.

She also a kind of person that take note about the dividend of Amanah Saham Berhad,all I can say,  she know the details of her  money matter. I salute her how she manage her expenditure very well. But in the way, we will not expected too much for duit raya from her. Hahaha

So here we goes, to the important part. It was Ramadhan in 2015. Meanwhile I still lost myself for the time relay ,I asked my mum did she be with us for raya. My mum told me that she refused at first, then suddenly changed her mind, she would like to. I knew the condition isn't good, as my mum told me she's not in a pink of health anymore, and I thought we should urge her to stay with us like there be no other option for her to return there.

'Bertuahlah kamu boleh pujuk dia'
Haha and I knew, i will always lost the battle with her. She will return to Raub no matter what.

Then we act like usual. Last raya was special as its on durian season as well. We're in the kitchen, cooking for raya. Its the last day of Ramadhan. Every year,she will asked for lemang and rendang ayam. That's her favourite list. She can't do much things, just mise en place like pre-preparation of cooking . And I realized, kitchen is the place where I spent most of time with her.

So on the day of raya, she's the one who in blue kurung. Meanwhile everyone of us were in mustard. When it come to photo session.

'Tak payahlah tangkap gambar, dah tua' she said.
'Dah tua lah kena tangkap gambar,kenangan' one of us said with  laughter.
Then... she obeyed


........

She requested me to make sambal tempoyak and anchovies. She ate a lots and she talked on her intentions to return to Raub. Then, I smiled to her. Weirdly with no objection.

.........

On the day that I lost her, my minds played all the flashback memories. Where she asked for saloon's visit, where we cooked together at the kitchen, where she never missed to watch Akademi Fantasia and tend to remember all the of the contestants' name within a short time, where her roti canai is the best, where she's been asking 'tak pergi dating lagi ke dgn budak utp tu', and surely, the last meal that I prepared for her, rice porridge, when she was sick before she 'leave' us.


I knew. My time with her was limited. As I didn't expect that she will leave us this fast. Precisely, if we know when will the particular person leave us, the bonding moment between us will be different right.

There we go with the concept of appreciation. The constant one.
Don't become such a busy one to collect the stone while you lost the diamond along the way. Someday, wether we the one who lose some people in our live, or we the one who leave them. Prepare as surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.


P/s : 'Her'  in this story is our late Grandmother, Allahyarhammah Anah Binti Mat Jidi
(24 April 1942- 26 July 2015) who will always be missed. Al-Fatihah. Rest opah :").











Friday, February 21, 2014

FRAME OF THE YESTERYEAR PART 11

".....swimming in the cloud of memories.."  Light Writing by Liyana Fizi 


22 Disember 2011

sujud pagi subuh yang terasa luar biasa lainnya

" nak breakfast apa hari ni" mak
" ta boleh telan , tersekat "

aura membunuh

dilimpah spagetti bolognese cheddar cheese mampu tewas dgn aura pagi ni

destinasi . Taiping

on road

automatik gaya bahasa imbas kembali bertapa

******

" cikgu jangan simbah dia dengan air"
 sir rahim warden




bila part demam, jatuh sakit, memang bertambah sakit kalau kena kat sekolah
belum masuk part jalan mengheret kaki mcm jelly pergi pejabat pengurusan
belum masuk part kena tunggu coaster
belum masuk part tunggu panjang berjela dekat klinik
belum part meraih MC
belum part tunggu ubat
belum part tunggu coaster balik
belum part mengharung bilik sakit yang kadang2 ta macam "bilik sakit"
belum part gagah diri pergi kelas

 dan macam2.....


susulan aku tdo kenyang ubat kat kelas tu hampir kena simbah dengan air.
terima kasih kepada yang bersuara ;)


.............

"kau ingat dia lagi"?
:)
 "biarkan, dia cari bahagia yang lebih bahagia "


*********

" dah sampai"

eh cepatnya

" jum, masuk dewan dengan mak"

"Ya Allah, Engkau Maha Mengetahui dan mengatur hari-hari selepas ini"

nampak Madame Pun

jumpa

"Izzaty"

"Teacher"

and the rest is
history.........

*********

" Pengawas balik awai"
" Mawas"

:P

"sebut elok2" mak

hahaha

******

Officially Blok G dibuka.

"amboi, toilet kalah RNR"

"dorm mana"?

"F2-4"

tapi dorm tu dah lama ta bukak, berkunci

"sementara duduk F1-4"

"dorm tu, jaga2"

" ingat , kisah spirit coins tu "

" jangan tido bawah. atas lantai, laluan tu "

"woi, nak jadi penglipur lara aku sumbat stokin karang dalam mulut"

hahahaha

" Penolong Ketua BADAR dorm tu jugak"

Syukur

******

1 Januari 2012

Spread the duties.

 "jaga asrama, jaga parking, jaga pendaftaran, jadi runner, bla bla bla"

kurus nanti, ramai yang tak kenal

" jangan nak berangan"

bila dibuka mata sebesar yang mampu

dah masuk Form 4 dah....

SERATAS tgh zaman kejatuhan

masuk principle baru

"Teacher , nama siapa"

"Puan Hajah Noriza"

ouh .

"wanita lagi"

"just wait and see" Teacher

"either  (or) , neither (nor)"

menung

" nah, tolong saya kira duit yuran ni"

ouh , okay.


*********


decide ambik..

muktamad.

" Bios Logos"

"4 Suria, 4 Musytari"

choose then..

dan topik trending

" kita tambah ahli keluarga tahun ni "

"bila2"

" bulan Februari barangkali"

 *********


bila ditanya mengenai harapan, ramai yang mengharapkan
bila ditanya mengenai keputusan, ramai yang memutuskan
bila ditanya mengenai masalah, ramai yang menyalahkan
dan bila ditanya mengenai apa yang sebenarnya, jawapan terbaik adalah mendiamkan
 ( bagi sesetengah keadaan yang perlu )


P/S : luka yang jatuh, buat hati lebih konkrit kerana "disimen"



 












Saturday, February 1, 2014

FRAME OF THE YESTERYEAR PART 10

"Hang gemok"
"wei, hang pendek"
"hang start dulu kan"
"cakap ikut sedap mulut ja"
"emo"
":P"


"Dah gemuk tu memang gemuk"
"Dah pendek tu memang pendek jugak"

sebelah pihak tunjuk effect tangan melebar
dan sebelah pihak tunjuk effect tangan ketinggian merendah

dan kesudahannya balik ke tempat masing2
muka ketat

********

"Appak, mintak maaf suka mengata hang"
"Aku pun, suka mengutuk "

dah nak exam, wajarlah kan.

:)

*******

 EXAM

AGO41K019

sebelah Amirul Asyraf , depan Tan Kar Ling

stress thp ayam selected KFC lah jugak, depa Top 3 form

paling mendodoi, aircond punya flow dapat direct punya

******

Rehat Pagi

"cikgu2 , saya nak sign paper KH nanti boleh "
" nak jadi saksi tu "? pengawas peperiksaan
Anguk2
Memang pakat satu meja tu depa tahan gelak
"ta apa, asalkan dapat" hati cakap
hahahaha

*****
Dan akhirnya, kesampaian juga. Melambung jadual exam entah kemana. Tamat.

******

"Makan Maggi, Makan Maggi"

"ngeng"

"Nak cakap je lah"

free je kena siku lepas melabuh dan tupperware Maggi Tom Yam bertukar tangan

*gelak2

"esok cari duit"

"Lori recyle mai"

" Worksheet Math confirm champion" tangan sedap menyudu

"wei , buat sendiri lah kalau dah lebih sudu dari kuah"

"dah kuah maggi ko sikit sgt"

 *kejar2

hahahaha :") ( rindu)

*******

Le Journal

DELF A2 dah selamat . Alhamdulillah

*******

Esok paginya, sesi melapangkan kelas

dan kesannya, memang lapang selapangnya

"Banyak duit dapat"?

"Apek tu senyum ja"

"Jom buat jamuan"

hahahah

******


Hari- hari pun begitulah. Memang sesi pinjam meminjam t-shirt junior sangatlah aktif sebab hari2 tibai pakai t-shirt lambang sekolah yang ada 4 kaler tu. Baju form pun design hitam merah tu pun redah pakai. Sapa yang berani tahap petala 7 tu bolehlah pakai baju ta ada mengena dengan sekolah, tapi rasa rare campur pelik kuasa 4 tu ada , tambah cikgu disiplin jeling2. Result pun ntah kemana, dah pandai nak langgar rule ( kadang2 tu buat jugak )

"weh, bosan lah"
"awat"
" pakai tudung hitam bawal"
"ngeng, ko nak tibai hana tajima punya style ker"
"hahahaha, canggih idea tu"
" ingat SERATAS top model cari2 ke"
"ngeng"


*********

Perasan satu benda berubah bila dah habis exam ni. Freedom tu rasa . Mulalah berlambak yang pandai top up tido , bgn stok2 ayam dah berkokok takat makan strepsils. Cubit campur bt gempa bumi effect goyang katil pun belum tentu bangun. Lastnya, bilik air penuh lagik 30 minit nak kosong asrama, bilik iron usah dikenang. Stok iron tudung. Menjerit2 kelam kabut. Perempuan.

Bila malam, tido lambat. Macam2 aktiviti. Dari makan maggi sampai lah movie marathon. Tu belum campur main true or dare tengah2 malam. 

Tapi, bising2 pun mau ta kena sound. 

"wei , jaga kelakuan tu"
"ingat hangpa ja dah habis exam "
"kami ni"! suara2

mai dah angin taufan antartika depa

senior2

berambat lari ta cukup tanah masuk dorm bila depa dah start panjang leher cari identiti2 yang buat terbalik aspuri macam rumah sendiri


"nasib, lepas"
"nampak muka depa merah spesis situasi macam arjuna depa kena kebas dengan junior"
*gelak sakan xD

dan.. sekejap ja diam tu.

"esok , aci kejar sampai blok baru"

lalalalala


*******

Riang dah lepas makan. Jalan iring2 nak hantar tray. Sekali dengar dialog ta berapa sedap. Sengaja suara tu ditekan naik satu oktaf nak bagi aku dengar

" itu lah juwita bla bla bla, perasan lawa la tu" geng  senior F4 baru hijau daun
ni ada kes tulang ikan sumbat masuk mulut karang yang main ungkit 2 cerita lama ni
exam SPM ta lama
 senyap
sempat jugak jeling secara berjemaah lepas bagik signal kat kawan2 sendiri pada mereka
dan gelak2 xD

"nak kenakan orang, tgk angkatan dulu"

mereka .muka. kelat. ketat



********


 

"ustazah bagi jadual aktiviti lepas PMR"
jenguk2
" wuuuu, ada bowling"

" Main dekat mana"
" kat pasar"

hahahah
 "ngeng"

" keluar sekolah tu yang bagi harapan cahaya  melimpah2 "

"bila2 bila2"

"esok"

muka dah macam orang bahagia dapat rumah banglo sebijik

 

 






situasi kat kelas, memang berpakat susun meja bagik senang bukak kedai kopi, conference macam menteri pasal isu2 novel, life plan, health care, suami impian , semua impian. Lagi2 ta tau insan mana yang timbun novel, memang berjela2 after.

Life. after. exam macam edisi balas dendam " apa benda tak boleh bt sebelum exam"






 " wei , balik sini balik, sukati ayahanda ko extend cuti"
"hahaha"


"gi kemas taman herba"
wuu

sampai la aktiviti anjuran panitia Sejarah, yang ni bersifat dahulukala,
objektif, nak bagi zaman generasi yang sekarang kenal orang dulu2 maen game apa

" aku apply nama batu seremban"
"ko"?
"galah panjang "
 "ADA?"!
 "Ada"
"tukar nama aku, masuk galah panjang"
"esh"
"congkak tak nak"?
"aku yang tercongak2"
keh3 *gelak guling
 

*********



Rutin harian memang ikut jadual, Kira tak ada lah bosan tahap giga yang lepas PMR ni. 















































"terima kasih cikgu2 yang hulur bakti dan korban penat lelah kalian"
ta mampu nak balas.
bantu kami harung usia baru nak kenal habuk dunia macam mana
warna dunia
harung penilaian yang KPM tetapkan






*************

Nak redah lower form ni pun dah habis separuh nyawa.
Masuk dengan kepala otak feeling konon pegang status senior sekolah rendah
hero kampung basikal
kaki melawa takat tempek bedak talkum ada glitter
semua tu tinggal. tolak tepi.
pijak ja bumi sekolah secondary.
ngangga lah tgk taraf abg  kakak yang ta terduga putus fius


12 tahun lalu


" woo, panjat2"
" wei, opah ajar ngaji dah datang"

tersentap

dalam hati niat jahat
makin lama makin tinggi pokok manggis kena panjat

"harap2 ta sedar aku tak der dalam kelas ngaji' gelak jahat

ada la 15 saat konon bahagia nyorok atas pokok
suara mak dah jerit satu kampung

"balik ngaji"!

sedar2 bawah pokok dan siap mak tunggu. kat tangan . rotan
 "siap sapa yang kaki ngadu ni"

dan mengajilah petang tu meleleh air mata tanggung bisa rotan mendarat tadi


dulu mak bapak ada nak kasi ingat "what to do"
siap ada pakej leteran, rotanan,cubitan, semua an
 tu belum masuk kes tapis santan mak kena kebas sebagai guna tangkap berudu kat parit depan rumah dengan anak2 jiran
 balik tu . faham2 ja lah

betul. nasihat mak.
" Mak ayah ta ada kat sini na atur hidup kamu, pandai2lah sendiri"
 " tengok dari jauh ja"
" semua apa kamu perlu, kami cuba lunaskan "

:")

 
 kalau ada adik-adik yang baca entry ini, mahu yang baru masuk sekolah aura2 asrama ke apa2, atau yang sudah agak2 label tamat hidup sekolah tahun ni, keep survive :)

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nah :)





Bulan 12 kita jumpa.

"ambek result"

" Cinderella "

:)

"terima kasih atas permulaan"




bukan senang nak jadi senang




p/s : Dengar lagu Empty Decorations Indecisive time tulis entry ni :)
         Terima kasih Siti Sarah , atas pinjaman gambar :)