Monday, February 29, 2016

LOST

Its been 2 years ++ since i stopped writing. Realizing that my piece back then was very 'understandable' and 'matured'. I know you can read between the lines for the previous sentences.Hahaha. I did left some of them for you to read, but i didn't encourage you to do so as i know how the term 'judge' can take role.

What are the things that made me to rewrite again after a while, not more than just 'something' that i would like to share. Something that happened in these 2 years that apparently changes everything. It may not much in details, but i hope you can take glance of yours after reading this.

Everything started, as i complete my matriculation year, so i got plenty of freedom month to gain my weight,sister fighting,business of kedai jajan (forced to be the cashier), identity lost of what things that I should pursue for degree, and even thought of repeating my matriculation phase. I've become so indecisive and lost on that particular time. I lost my confidence, shortly I lost myself.

Firstly that how I use those word 'lost' as what you read on the title of this post.

Hence, its actually the beginning for the next lost. The more complex lost. Lost of 'her'. 'Her' of the living things.

Many of year I've known her as the seasonal person. I used to meet her only on special occasion like Eid celebration, family gathering like weddings (sometimes), and those time when she fell sick.
When i was just in primary, I realized that I met her more frequent. That was time she's been diagnosed with early stage of breast cancer. I remember vividly those time I enjoyed the swimming pool at Mentakab Resort and on evening I used to visit her at Hospital Mentakab. That moment repeated for twice until she managed to undergo operations and that how she lost one of those to eliminate all the cancer cells. I was just 8 years old and knew nothing on that time. What did I know she was sick and I met her more often due to that condition.

Everything turn back to normal as she recovered from that cancer but with doctor appointment. Then I met her once in a moon. She tends to stay in Raub, Pahang at the home of her late husband. I've been questioned this issue to my mum why she would like to stay away from us. Mum dis discuss this matter with her siblings, but everyone knew, no one can change her decision after all. After many year, of developed thinking, I made an opinion, that house might brought her into the sentimental value of her late husband. This version of scene would probably remind you of UP Disney Movie but with the version of no balloons and chubby scout boy. Hoho.

Then, there's a time that she had to stay with us. If I'm not mistaken its on year 2008. I've been informed that once again she had been tested for life reality,the heart breaking news, she's been diagnosed with uterus cancer. After all, I heard the conversation between my mum and entire family, the whole uterus are affected and nothing can be done instead of operation to take out those thing.

I saw her face, how she survived, and the part where she got the strength to stand up and continue her life phase. Like usual.

I admit that I am not close to her, maybe for the factor that I didn't spend so much time with her. As I knew, by the time she was healthy, she will leave us and manage to stay only at one destination, Raub. Then that's why I did't talk and notice too much of her.

Until then when I was form 3, she got to take Insulin Injection as her pancreas no more well-functioned. I remember on how I managed to urge her not to go back to Raub as now she need more attention and care from us. Our maid become the witness of  how angry am I on that time as she didn't listen to me. I gave up. And I know her heart broke a little. All I want is her to stay with us. We've been thinking on how she will live there when no one  can take care of her. More likely, the dose of insulin must be correct and other medication must be taken properly. She proved to us that she can survive by doing all the things by her own when she stay with us temporarily.

She also a kind of person that take note about the dividend of Amanah Saham Berhad,all I can say,  she know the details of her  money matter. I salute her how she manage her expenditure very well. But in the way, we will not expected too much for duit raya from her. Hahaha

So here we goes, to the important part. It was Ramadhan in 2015. Meanwhile I still lost myself for the time relay ,I asked my mum did she be with us for raya. My mum told me that she refused at first, then suddenly changed her mind, she would like to. I knew the condition isn't good, as my mum told me she's not in a pink of health anymore, and I thought we should urge her to stay with us like there be no other option for her to return there.

'Bertuahlah kamu boleh pujuk dia'
Haha and I knew, i will always lost the battle with her. She will return to Raub no matter what.

Then we act like usual. Last raya was special as its on durian season as well. We're in the kitchen, cooking for raya. Its the last day of Ramadhan. Every year,she will asked for lemang and rendang ayam. That's her favourite list. She can't do much things, just mise en place like pre-preparation of cooking . And I realized, kitchen is the place where I spent most of time with her.

So on the day of raya, she's the one who in blue kurung. Meanwhile everyone of us were in mustard. When it come to photo session.

'Tak payahlah tangkap gambar, dah tua' she said.
'Dah tua lah kena tangkap gambar,kenangan' one of us said with  laughter.
Then... she obeyed


........

She requested me to make sambal tempoyak and anchovies. She ate a lots and she talked on her intentions to return to Raub. Then, I smiled to her. Weirdly with no objection.

.........

On the day that I lost her, my minds played all the flashback memories. Where she asked for saloon's visit, where we cooked together at the kitchen, where she never missed to watch Akademi Fantasia and tend to remember all the of the contestants' name within a short time, where her roti canai is the best, where she's been asking 'tak pergi dating lagi ke dgn budak utp tu', and surely, the last meal that I prepared for her, rice porridge, when she was sick before she 'leave' us.


I knew. My time with her was limited. As I didn't expect that she will leave us this fast. Precisely, if we know when will the particular person leave us, the bonding moment between us will be different right.

There we go with the concept of appreciation. The constant one.
Don't become such a busy one to collect the stone while you lost the diamond along the way. Someday, wether we the one who lose some people in our live, or we the one who leave them. Prepare as surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.


P/s : 'Her'  in this story is our late Grandmother, Allahyarhammah Anah Binti Mat Jidi
(24 April 1942- 26 July 2015) who will always be missed. Al-Fatihah. Rest opah :").











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